My name is Riley. I’m 17 years old and have an eating problem. My eating problem isn’t the “normal” ones we would think of. I’m not bulimic, anorexic, or an overeater. I have become an obsessive eater. By that, I mean I have becomes so obsessed with food, that I feel guilty when I have dessert once a week. Now I think that every woman experiences what I do. We tend to feel guilty about eating the sugary goodness, and as we eat it, we wonder where those carbs are going to land. As I began to start working out regularly and eating healthier, I began to let food run my life. I am a firm believer that every problem has a past. My past of lack of self confidence, led me to feeling guilty when I would eat. I let other people’s opinions dictate who I was. I wanted to please everyone. That was the problem. I wanted acceptance from others, but was missing the fact that I am accepted in God’s eyes. Isn’t that all that matters? Well I told myself that it was, but my heart didn’t believe it.
Two months ago, my mom saw my problem. She was very concerned and, in my opinion (at the time), completely overreacted. She claimed that if I didn’t stop my problem now, then years down the road I would have more serious problems. I laughed it off. As the days progressed, God began to show me how serious this was. He began to show me friends in my life, who are bulimic, anorexic, or just obsessed with losing weight. The fact was, almost all of my friends have body issues. I didn’t even realize it! I have known most of these people for years, but have been so blind to it. It was like God took the blinders off of my eyes and showed me what I would be like, and what I had become. This frightened me. I didn’t want that for my life. I felt like I was chained by food, because if I didn’t work out or eat right, then I would be fat.
Back track thirteen years, and you can see where my obsession over my body came from. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. I lived in two different homes for a good three years. My biological dad was very superficial. It was all about what you looked like, what you would drive, wear, etc. That was what I was around. I wasn’t a big kid, but I wasn’t a twig. I was extremely athletic, but loathed myself. I felt that if I didn’t meet up to his standards then I was nothing. My mom moved to Maui when I was 7 and when I was about eleven; I stopped talking to my real dad entirely. Sure he would call occasionally, but it was about twice a year. Every time he would call, he would ask my mom if I was fat, too tall, pretty, etc. I never felt accepted by him. Because of that, I thought I wasn’t acceptable.
Now we can fast forward to now. Mom was extremely scared about what would become of me if I continued down this road. So she ordered a book. This book is called “Made to Crave”. It’s about Craving God more than you crave food. A concept I had never really thought of before. We started the book, together. She decided that since I was struggling, she would do this with me. Every day (even against my will) we would sit and talk. I have had some horrible days, and some triumphant days. I’ll tell you, it is not so encouraging when you hear people talk about how eating disorders are problems that you have to deal with for the rest of your life. As I learned more about myself, and my problem, I realized that this isn’t true at all. I just needed to learn how to change my heart and mind.
I have been letting Satan fill my head with lies. These lies include: I’m ugly, fat, not acceptable, and worthless. I didn’t know how to overcome this. Then God revealed everything. Every time, I hear those lies, I replace it with the truth. I dwell in HIS truth and HIS goodness. I was dwelling on what others thought of me, rather than caring what God thought of me. I am acceptable in HIS eyes regardless of what I look like.
As I began to try and fill the craving that was in my heart, I realized that I won’t ever be satisfied with food, clothing, acceptance, etc. That craving is meant for God. As I retrain myself to let him fill that whole in my heart, and continually let him fill my craving; everything else is easy. I’m setting my focus off of the world and myself, and focusing on someone who deserves my heart. He created me because He wanted me.
I’m not saying that my problem is overcome, because I still have my days. Just know that this isn’t a lifelong battle. I have made progress and continue to make new habits, because I’m dwelling in His presence. I hope and pray that my posts will encourage and strengthen you not to be a slave to food; but instead, let HIM fill your craving. Let HIM be everything you need and long for. For without HIM, we can’t do anything.
Well that’s about it.
-Ri "Hungry Chick"
